Histori Personale

My husband donates half of his salary to the Church when my daughter and I barely cover our expenses

My husband donates half of his salary to the Church when my daughter and I

I am a 60-year-old woman and although I have worked for years teaching English, I have always been financially dependent on my husband. He is very involved in the Evangelical Church and gives them a percentage of his salary.

This fact since I discovered it, put me in a constant fight with him. I thought several times to leave with him the children, but I did not have the courage to plunge myself and the children into further difficulties.

This issue has come up again now as I try to help one of my daughters with university fees. But how can he give so much to a church when he knows our children are fighting? It just drives me crazy. He probably, rightly, thinks it is his salary and will do as he pleases. I am aware that my addiction to him is my fault and not his fault.

Psychologist's answer

This story is not just about money, is it? You are upset that the husband gives a portion of the salary to the Church while you and your family have unmet needs. In a functioning relationship, finances need to be negotiated by both parties, until you reach a fair conclusion. You seem to have been unable to do so.

Yes let’s put on his shoes. If you were a man, would it be good for a woman to look at you like an ATM? Would you like to live with someone who does not value you for anything else you do but only for how much money you bring? Why should we women ask for more money than we bring home?

Maybe it's time to make the right move, to share expenses and finances.

He could do whatever he wanted with the rest of the money (after covering half of the house expenses) and you could help the girl with the rest.

But this is a difficult time to find work, let alone for better paid jobs.

However this story does not seem to me just something financial. As far as I understand on paper, you no longer have that much to share together. But maybe what you need to share first are the finances.

You mention your daughter and her economic challenges at university as if she is just your daughter. Doesn't she have a relationship with her father so she can ask him for financial help if she needs it?

I think that even if your husband did not give a portion of his salary to the Church, you would still have something to be upset about. You may not be able to find the name and the cause, but you will feel the same.

* The Guardian article was adapted in Albanian by Tiranapost