I am very annoyed by some behaviors of adults. I believe that anyone who reads my notes has understood this.. (hey, I know that it will be almost a year since I have been "scrawling" #myslighttruths in this space..how time flies)
Well, one of the things that really annoys me is when we adults put our children to the test to win our love.
- I don't like you if you do this, I love you if you behave like this, I don't love you if you behave like this...
I want to believe that we simply have a way of expressing ourselves, not that there really is a "society of behaviors" that value our love.
But even if it is just a way of expressing, we know very well how important words are. In these thoughts, I am reminded of a quote by Gordon Neufeld, with which I strongly agree:
"Children shouldn't try to earn our love, they should find comfort in it."
Professor Neufeld is a Canadian developmental psychologist, known for his work on attachment theory and child development. He is the co-author of the book “Hold On to Your Kids” (along with Gabor Maté, the latter of which you can find on every Instagram scroll if you are interested in child-rearing issues). Neufeld also founded the Neufeld Institute, an educational institute that provides training for parents, teachers and professionals, and his work has widely influenced the way we understand the growth, education and emotional well-being of children and adolescents.
While it's easy to assume that the older children get, the more they are influenced by society, this researcher with more than 40 years of experience urges us to look at something else. He strongly emphasizes that parents and adults (grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, caregivers, teachers) should be the primary emotional figures in children's lives, rather than being primarily guided by peers. Neufeld insists that the emotional bond between parent and child is the foundation of healthy development. Children need to feel safe, accepted, and connected to their parents. This closeness does not make them dependent; on the contrary, it gives them the strength to grow and cope with the world.
When children feel close to their parents, they are calmer, more cooperative, and more open to guidance. Neufeld emphasizes that discipline and parenting only work when they are based on relationships, not fear or pressure. A child who feels emotionally connected is more willing to listen and learn.
Holding children close means being emotionally present: quality time, attentive listening, hugs, and sensitivity to their needs. These small moments build trust and emotional security, which are the foundation of their development.
As Gordon Neufeld points out, relationship comes before education. When children feel connected to us, they grow up stronger, more secure, and more emotionally healthy.
I love this theory so much. I've been trying to do it day after day for years.
I am a parent of two daughters, an aunt of a nephew, a daughter-in-law of two sons and a daughter, a friend, a trainer, a mentor, a teacher to many, many children. In more than 25 years of work, I may have looked more than 10,000 children in the eye across Albania.
With this experience, and with endless references from researchers around the world, I feel like telling you: please, don't try to get your child to earn your love! Give it to them unconditionally! And if we try every day to see, talk to, and especially listen to children, to love them with all our hearts, believe me, they will reward us!
