The news is fantastic! Unexpected or well-thought-out, this second child in the family will completely change its dynamics. Unquestionably the parents, but what has always interested me is the eldest child of the family, the older sister or brother, the first child. How should the arrival of a new baby be communicated to him/her? This undoubtedly has a great impact on the way he/she experiences this change.
In my family, when the second daughter was coming into life, I talked to the first, then 7 years old, based on the theory of psychologist Erich Fromm. Let's understand, in the simplest version. I adapted his principle that true love is not divided, but multiplied. This is also what happens when a new child comes into life, the parents' heart is not divided among the children, but grows to include all of them. In our case, this form of explanation was successful:)
To remain with the thinkers who have made history with their positions, I would like to mention today the thoughts of Maya Angelou, that a family is the place where we learn about unconditional love and acceptance. Therefore, when a new life comes to the house, it is an opportunity for children to learn that love is not competition, but sharing. On the other hand, according to the philosophy of Maria Montessori, every change in a child's life is an opportunity to develop independence and sensitivity.
The arrival of a new baby is not only a challenge, but also a gentle lesson in understanding care and responsibility. The thoughts are numerous and valuable. But let me be a little more practical and I hope to be of some help. According to specialists in the physical and emotional development of children, there are several steps that help to communicate and accept as gently and positively as possible by the older child, the arrival of a baby in the family. I will briefly mention them here:
1. Choosing the right time to tell them
This varies with the age of the child, but in any case it is best to wait a while, at least until after the third month.
If the child is very young (under 4 years old), it is best to talk to them about this only shortly before the birth, because their concept of time is limited and the long wait can confuse them.
2. Using simple and positive words
You have to speak in the language of the child, with expressions that he understands. I continue to insist on #thesimpletruths.
"In the baby's house, a baby is growing in the mother's womb... When it comes out of there, it will live with us at home." We must be careful to avoid conversations or expressions that may arouse fear or uncertainty; we must calmly, gently, and simply explain to the child the big change that is coming.
3. Involving the child in preparation is very important.
We should allow the child to be involved in choosing clothes, a toy for the baby, or decorating the room.
Since we are here... please, do not tell the child that you are having another child so that he or she is not left alone, and even less do not "surprise" us by saying that the decision to have another baby came in response to the request of the first child. No, this is not fair at all. The decision to have another child in the family is the exclusive prerogative of the parents, it is their responsibility. Let us not make the mistake of labeling it as fulfilling the wishes of an older brother or sister.
We as adults make the decision, and part of the process is also the involvement of the first child in the new role that he will take on. But we must never forget that the first child, even though he will now be an adult, is still a child and should be treated as such.
We must explain his/her new role as an older brother or sister to him/her, presenting it as something positive and important, ensuring that he/she feels valued and included, not neglected.
4. Let's prepare together for practical changes.
We need to tell them that mom is going to the hospital to help the doctor deliver the baby, but mom will be back soon. We need to tell them that the baby will cry, sleep a lot, and need care, but also that he/she will have time with the parents.
But be careful, let's not make promises we can't keep. We can't tell our child that everything will be the same. That's not true. We can't risk losing our child's trust.
5. We must maintain emotional connection and pay attention to emotions and reactions.
It is normal for a child to have jealousy, boredom, or regressive behavior, for example, how many times have you heard of 4-5 year olds asking for a pacifier again, wearing diapers, or asking to sleep with their parents again?
We shouldn't scold them, but we should explain them by naming their feelings. We should show the child that we understand that they sometimes feel jealous and that this happens to us too. And above all, let's never forget to express our love, in any form, at any time.
I know this requires a lot of attention and care. You already know that the password for good parenting is DURI M.
